12 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
1) Accept the fact the possibility of love
no longer exists.
You’re a monster.
2) Try not to laugh at folks who
attempt to quit
smoking the first
half of the
month.
3) If you’re feeling sad, remember
the cable bill is
paid thru January.
4) Savor every moment.
The next one is
going to be even worse.
5) Only talk to people
you’ve known at
least 20 years.
When in doubt,
remember
They don’t
understand you, either.
6) Tip even unattractive bartenders.
This may turn out
to be the
Hidden Key to
Heaven.
7) Don’t laugh when your friends who resolved
to stop smoking
Light up in front
of you.
Their shame is
already great.
8) Don’t suddenly decide to
Burn all your old
papers in an effort
To cleanse the
past.
Your friends and
family will appreciate
The chuckle when
they’re sorting your shit
After you’re dead.
9) Old court documents, however, can be thrown away
With impunity.
10) Don’t take an exotic trip
in an effort to reach satori,
or move to some new city
to try to “start
afresh”
Travel is for
the young.
Stay where the
fuck you are.
Remember how
happy Dorothy was
To get back to Kansas
Where she died
at the age of 16
When a silo fell
on her head.
11) Cry during all the commercials,
even the ones
for Depends Adult Undergarments.
You’ve got to
let it out somehow.
12) Stop all that goddamn whining.
And start
smoking.
--David Fewster