12 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
1) Accept the fact the possibility of love
    no longer exists.
    You’re a monster.
2) Try not to laugh at folks who
    attempt to quit
smoking the first
     half of the
month.
3) If you’re feeling sad, remember
    the cable bill is
paid thru January.
4) Savor every moment.
    The next one is
going to be even worse.
5) Only talk to people
    you’ve known at
least 20 years.
    When in doubt,
remember
    They don’t
understand you, either.
6) Tip even unattractive bartenders.
    This may turn out
to be the
    Hidden Key to
Heaven.
7) Don’t laugh when your friends who resolved
    to stop smoking
    Light up in front
of you.
    Their shame is
already great.
8) Don’t suddenly decide to
    Burn all your old
papers in an effort
    To cleanse the
past.
    Your friends and
family will appreciate
    The chuckle when
they’re sorting your shit
    After you’re dead.
9) Old court documents, however, can be thrown away
    With impunity.
10) Don’t take an exotic trip
      in an effort to reach satori,
      or move to some new city 
      to try to “start
afresh”
      Travel is for
the young.
      Stay where the
fuck you are.
      Remember how
happy Dorothy was
      To get back to Kansas 
      Where she died
at the age of 16
      When a silo fell
on her head.
11) Cry during all the commercials,
      even the ones
for Depends Adult Undergarments.
      You’ve got to
let it out somehow.
12) Stop all that goddamn whining.
      And start
smoking.
--David Fewster