12 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
1) Accept the fact the possibility of love
no longer exists.
You’re a monster.
2) Try not to laugh at folks who
attempt to quit smoking the first
half of the month.
3) If you’re feeling sad, remember
the cable bill is paid thru January.
4) Savor every moment.
The next one is going to be even worse.
5) Only talk to people
you’ve known at least 20 years.
When in doubt, remember
They don’t understand you, either.
6) Tip even unattractive bartenders.
This may turn out to be the
Hidden Key to Heaven.
7) Don’t laugh when your friends who resolved
to stop smoking
Light up in front of you.
Their shame is already great.
8) Don’t suddenly decide to
Burn all your old papers in an effort
To cleanse the past.
Your friends and family will appreciate
The chuckle when they’re sorting your shit
After you’re dead.
9) Old court documents, however, can be thrown away
10) Don’t take an exotic trip
in an effort to reach satori,
or move to some
to try to “start afresh”
Travel is for the young.
Stay where the fuck you are.
Remember how happy Dorothy was
To get back to
Where she died at the age of 16
When a silo fell on her head.
11) Cry during all the commercials,
even the ones for Depends Adult Undergarments.
You’ve got to let it out somehow.
12) Stop all that goddamn whining.
And start smoking.